The Counseling Department is one of the most vital arms of the church and should never be compromised. Marriage is a lifelong journey, and while many couples spend years in courtship, they often still find themselves shocked by their spouse’s behavior after marriage. This is why proper premarital counseling is essential. Ideally, once marriage intentions are clear, courtship should not exceed six months before counseling begins.
Counseling is at the heart of who the Holy Spirit is. Jesus referred to those without the Holy Spirit as "orphans" (John 14:18), emphasizing that without His guidance, we are vulnerable and directionless.
The Holy Spirit is essential in uncovering hidden truths because He is the Ancient of Days. One significant "advantage" Satan seems to have over humans is his age—he has existed since the beginning of creation. He was there in the days of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and has witnessed generations unfold. He knows the hidden struggles in family bloodlines, the secrets buried in ancestry, and he strategically seeks to use them to sustain negative patterns in people's lives.
No one can outsmart or defeat the devil through human strength, intelligence, or experience. But here’s the good news—we don’t have to! Jesus Christ already won the victory on our behalf! Through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can break free from generational cycles, discern the enemy’s schemes, and walk in the fullness of God’s purpose for our lives, only if we walk in his will.
It is important to note that counseling is not designed to break relationships. However, it sometimes exposes deep-rooted issues that, if unresolved, could make marriage unbearable. In such cases, ending the relationship before marriage is far better than enduring a lifetime of regret. A broken engagement is painful, but a broken marriage is far worse.
Family Patterns and Spiritual Battles
Many issues in marriage stem from unresolved personal and family histories. Take, for instance, a woman whose mother abandoned her at the age of two. Without healing, she may unconsciously struggle with attachment and commitment in her own marriage and motherhood. The devil often seeks to establish negative generational patterns, passing down struggles from one generation to the next.
This is evident in the life of Abraham’s family. Sarah, Abraham’s wife, was barren. That same affliction resurfaced in Isaac’s wife, Rebekah, and later in Jacob’s wife, Rachel. This was not a coincidence but a pattern that needed to be broken through awareness and spiritual intervention.
Another example is a woman who was hostile and abusive to her husband. Her sons grew up watching their father suffer in that toxic environment. As a result, they vowed never to tolerate such treatment from their wives. However, this unresolved trauma had a ripple effect—whenever their wives exhibited even the slightest resemblance to their mother’s behavior, it triggered extreme reactions, often damaging their marriages.
The Lasting Impact of Trauma
Past trauma doesn’t just disappear; it resurfaces, especially in marriage. This is particularly true for individuals who have experienced sexual assault. Such experiences can deeply impact intimacy, leading to fear, discomfort, or even avoidance in marriage. Many couples enter marriage without realizing that unresolved wounds from the past will eventually resurface, causing emotional and physical barriers between them.
Why Premarital Counseling is Essential
Marriage is not just about love; it’s about understanding, healing, and preparation. Counseling helps intending couples:
- Identify negative family patterns
- Understand personal and emotional triggers
- Develop tools to break unhealthy cycles
- Strengthen spiritual and emotional foundations
Premarital counseling is a God-given tool to ensure that marriages start on a firm foundation, free from the hidden chains of the past. It is not just about preparing for a wedding but preparing for a lifetime of love, understanding, and stability.
I believe the counseling team should not be made up only of people who seem to have had a "perfect" marriage. Those who have walked through the valleys of marriage—people who have experienced divorce, ex-prostitutes, and others with painful pasts—also have a powerful role to play. The only true qualification is that they have received Jesus Christ and are now sober and transformed by His grace.
Sometimes, God allows us to go through difficult experiences so that others can learn from our journey. I once watched a movie where a woman who had been married six times counseled her only son on choosing a life partner. This reminds me of the Samaritan woman in John 4—she had been married multiple times, yet after encountering Jesus, she became a great evangelist!
People who have lived a life they are no longer proud of but have experienced genuine transformation can often reach others in ways that lifelong Christians might not. It’s not about a flawless past—it’s about saving souls and leading people to Christ!
So if you are an intending couple, please do not skip counselling. Go for it!!!
I hope this brigten's someone's day.
This is an excerpts from my book: Sexual intimacy in marriage!
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